Good morning!

I recently read this note from Mike Foster, where he talked about asking his wife two very important questions:

1. How would you rate me as a husband on a scale of 1-10?
2. How could I go up ONE point?

Woah.

Really cool questions - and extremely vulnerable.

Newsflash: I normally like these types of questions because I want to win in the end when it comes to my marriage.

Understanding how Erin would rate me right now and how I could go up one point would aim me in the direction of what I have said is a Worthy Win for me.

And yet when I read it, I was not immediately like, “I have to ask Erin these questions.”

I was more like, “Maybe later….”

Why? I was scared of what she would say.

More so - I was scared that it would be obvious there are some areas that I am failing her. I don’t want her to view me as a failure.

In my head I was thinking, “If only I had a bit more time before I asked her these questions it would give me the space to course correct on the things that I haven’t followed through on. And then she wouldn’t view me as a failure…”

​
​THE TRUTH ABOUT VULNERABILITY

The truth is that Erin loves me deeply. She is glad I’m her husband.

The truth is also that she already knows where I’m failing. Where I haven’t followed through on things I said I’m going to do.

Asking her these questions would just illuminate it.

Asking her these questions would expose me.

Asking her these questions would make me feel vulnerable.

And yet what we see both in the Bible and from time-tested theories is that the starting point of changing the way we live is about being vulnerable about where we are weak and powerless.

The world - and our minds - tells us to hide our weaknesses and failures.

God invites us to share them so we might be transformed.

I’ve been reading a book called STEPS by John Ortberg. He’s exploring what we can learn from the famed 12 Steps program with Alcoholics Anonymous.

At one point Ortberg writes,

I don’t.

And I especially don’t want to do it when it comes to failing the person I love the most.

Yet, the opportunity to get Worthy Wins is dependent on it because I’m not perfect. I never have been.

Never will be.

SURRENDER AS A FIRST STEP

Unfortunately, but fortunately, I didn’t end up needing to ask Erin my rating or how to go up a point because something happened last week that put my failure on full display. That specific situation is a conversation for another day - but the bottom line is that what happened meant I couldn’t hide.

I couldn’t pretend like I was a 10 out of 10 husband.

My failure at something Erin had said was very important to her left me to address my inadequacy - despite my desire to get Worthy Wins.

I had no choice but to acknowledge it. But I’m not alone in that.

Ortberg goes on to say this about Jesus’ very own disciples,

The common thread with me and the disciples? Well-intentioned people failing over and over again.

The beautiful thing about this is that everyone fails. But those who are transformed from the inside out are the ones who admit it and acknowledge their powerlessness.

That’s the foundation with the 12 Steps program - it all begins with surrender of power. I can’t do it. In STEPS Ortberg reminds us that surrender is the very foundation of spiritual life and of freedom.

But surrender is not laying down to be dead. It’s the invitation to live. He writes…

Once it was clear that I had failed Erin and that I couldn’t pretend like I was a 10 of 10, the only way to go up a point was to acknowledge it and then take the initiative to move one step forward.

Oh, the irony that going up a point requires acknowledging my inadequacy.

GOING UP A POINT

I don’t know where this finds you personally today, but I wanted to offer a quick exercise as you consider your own Worthy Wins - and the key relationships inside of them. Whether it’s a spouse, parent, child, friend… would you consider asking them Mike’s two questions?

1. KEY RELATIONSHIPS If you haven’t already, make a list of the 5 most important relationships in your life.
2. PICK ONE While you could consider all of them, is there one relationship you especially want to lean in to win with right now?
3. CREATE SPACE Find a way to time to get 1:1 with that relationship where you can have the time to connect.
4. SURRENDER TO PERFECTION In that time, tell them that you want to acknowledge that you are not perfect, but you care about the relationship and want to take initiative to strengthen your relationship by asking some vulnerable questions.
5. ASK THE QUESTIONS
   1. “How would you rate me as a spouse/parent/child/friend on a scale of 1-10?”
   2. “How could I go up one point?“

This might sound scary. It sure did for me. And then my own failures ripped open the facade that I was perfect - which was painful and embarrassing. But the freedom that has come from not pretending like I have it all together is unmatched. And now I have the chance to go up a point with Erin.

How much better would it be to initiate this conversation with a relationship that is worthy to you?

Rooting for you to go up a point!

Much love,

JO

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PS: If you would like to help me out on the book front, the biggest thing I need right now are reviews on Amazon. ❤️

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